Posted by: kathyhugs | August 15, 2007

Saying Goodbye!

Over the last month and a half I have been trying to move on after the death of our daughter, Tonia Brundage Amato. I was taking care of everyone else except for me and my grief. It took having an argument with a family member to get me to finally start to unload everything I am feeling. This is the beginning of that process:A love letter to my daughter, Tonia.

I miss you so much. We were just beginning to heal after the tough years we went through together. We were just starting to forge a better relationship between a mother and a daughter but also as friends. We had plans to get together to make cards together. You were searching out a church home. It was fun looking at the churches on the internet and reading about their beliefs and their activities. I saw God working on your heart as you drew closer to him. I heard the wonder in your voice as you told me that you had never felt as close to God as you were that day. I will miss seeing you blossom into the beautiful women you were becoming. I will miss finding out that you will become a mother and me a grandmother. I will miss watching grandkids grow up and hearing from you when they take their first steps. I will miss shopping for maternity clothes and baby clothes. I will miss hearing your voice and singing with you.I know that you are celebrating at the feet of God; that your voice is raised in songs of worship to Him. I know you are out of the despair over JC and your marriage. I know that your pain and anguish are over. I know that God in His perfect way knew when you needed to come home to Him. His timing was perfect but it was not my timing and I need to trust Him even when I do not understand. My girl, I need to say goodbye but just for a little while. We will be together again and we will be singing together again. I cannot promise I will not cry because I do miss you but I will not ask God to bring you back to live in this world when I know you are living in His love! I will continue to pray for JC and maybe one day he can come to know the peace that only God can provide to him. I promise that I will stay very close to God and that I will seek out His will for my life and I will accept whatever plans he has for me. Be in peace my precious girl. We love you!

When Tonia died I was given several gifts:
I was given the gift of knowing that she was gone even before I heard it from the Sheriff
I was given the gift of a church family to love, support and pray for me and over me
I was given the gift of a husband who walked by my side as we journeyed through the days together
I was given the gift of a sister who I thought I had lost forever
I was spared the knowledge of how she died until I was strong enough to hear it
I was given the knowledge that she had come to know the Lord both from her own lips and in written form
I was given the knowledge that God knew exactly what she was going through and took her at the perfect time to spare her from what is coming
I was given the Peace, that only comes through God, that I will see her again
I have been given so much and now God wants me to give to others.

I will continue to proclaim His name as the Only way to Heaven, as the merciful and gracious father, and as the comforter through all trials.

But it does take action and effort on your part. God knocks but he is not rude. He will not come into your life until he is invited in.

I Love you!


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