Posted by: kathyhugs | November 29, 2007

An Anniversary Sorrow

Tuesday, November 27 would have been Tonia and JC’s 3rd anniversary. I woke up and started working. But on my way to church I found myself crying and becoming very depressed. I didn’t know why because nothing had happened. No song on the radio to remind me, no phone call to bring reality into my life. I cried with Lynnel and Julie at church and then went into staff meeting. As I was writing down the date I realized the significance. We should have been celebrating another year together but instead my daughter is dead and I have never heard from JC. We spent so much time and prayers trying to become a welcome part of JC life. We invested time and prayers and now it is as if he has died also because he has left our lives. Tonia was so excited about talking to him about her newfound faith. SHe wanted them to build their marriage on God and she wanted to eventually start a family. I am so thankful that they did not have kids but at the same time I will never be a grandmother to a child of Tonia’s. What confusing emotions. I have realized that my emotions are going to continue to be on a rollercoaster and that I need to hang onto God and just take each moment as it comes. I have no control and most of the time no warning when a crying jag will hit. But I know that God is holding me very close to him and that he will never stop comforting me. He cries when I cry.

So Tonia honey, I miss you and I love you. I wish we could have celebrated together but you are in a better place. Knowing that you are sitting at God’s feet, worshipping him brings me such a sense of peace. I will see you again and we can dance together.
Mom

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