Posted by: kathyhugs | April 12, 2008

Being Chased by God and the Devil

Yes I know that the title of this blog is goofy but that is how I am feeling lately. It is spring and my thoughts are often on Tonia. She loved to go to the local parks to walk and hear the birds and take the dogs for a run. Even as a child she loved the days we spent at the Indiana Dunes State Park. My favorite memories are of the times we all spent together hiking and grilling out for lunch. Rick and I had our engagement pictures taken at the Dunes. So spring is bitter sweet this year. I love the hope that spring brings. Hope for new life and hope for the future yet this year I am missing my girl. I have had a few nights of bad dreams and when I wake up in the morning I am tired and discouraged. I turn on some great music and on my way to work I sing and cry and sing some more. I watch as the sun comes up over Pittsburgh. When I first start my drive all of the lights of Pittsburgh are blazing and it is breathtaking. Then the longer I drive the lights start to go up and the sun starts to peek out over the waters of the rivers. Just a hint at first then soon the river starts to sparkle. My heart starts to feel lighter and my spirit starts to lift. I imagine that Tonia is in the car with me singing at the top of her lungs. I have opened up my windows and just turned the volume up and let the world hear us. My day has begun and there is hope in knowing that one day I will truly be singing again with Tonia.

God has been pushing me to grow and to use the gifts that he has given me but it is also very hard. My human heart gets discouraged and the devil tells me that I am weak and that I can’t make a difference. Last weekend as I spoke I was okay until I finished and then I cried and I had a massive headache. I felt drained and I wondered if I God had used me to speak to anyone’s heart. The doubts I had were hitting me in the face. I questioned God about what I was doing. I hurt because my daughter is gone. I ached over how are lives have changed. Why are we in this place? But the words to the song Praise You In This Storm came back to me….

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone

how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I hear God’s voice saying I am still hear, quiet yourself and you will hear my voice. Remember I have promised that I will NEVER leave you. As long as I lean on God and trust him then I can stand up to another day. I can tell the devil to back off and get out of my head. I can trust in the God who lifts me up again.

So today I remember and hear Tonia’s voice saying let’s walk, let’s dance, let’s sing and I know that in an instant I will be with her again and God’s voice will be booming saying I AM……!

Spring: a promise that God was, is and forever will be with us!


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