Posted by: kathyhugs | June 9, 2008

Healing With God’s Grace

As the first anniversary of Tonia’s death is approaching I have struggled with myself, my stage of grief and all kinds of emotions. I have learned that I need to be totally dependent upon God every moment of every day. But I have also learned that healing is also somewhat of a choice. I am not saying that I can wake up one day and say “ok today I am done grieving” what I am saying is that I CAN choose not to wallow in my grief, that I can look at other people in the world and see how God can use me to understand and maybe provide a listening ear. I will always miss Tonia and I know that I still have a long way to go with the pain I am feeling but I cannot shut down on life. I will hurt for a long time yet, especially with the trial happening in September. But what I can do is to understand that I want to heal, I want life to be full of the joy that God has given to me and I want to rejoice in everything and everyone that God brings into my life. Nothing can bring Tonia back here on Earth and I don’t want her to come back to the imperfect world we live in. I know that she is in Heaven and that one day I will hug her and sing with her again. No trial will bring her back or provide any sense of peace. Only accepting that I was blessed to have my girl for almost 26 years and that I will see her again will give me peace.

A friend told me recently that I can choose to stop living and allow my sorrow over Tonia’s death to define the rest of my life or I can look around and see a new path that God has planned for me. A path that honors God, a path that brings honor to my daughter’s memory. There is a song by Martina McBride, “In My Daughter’s Eyes”.

In My Daughters Eyes Lyrics

In my daughter’s eyes, I am a hero.
I am strong an’ wise,
And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see:
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, in my daughter’s eyes.

In my daughter’s eyes, everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace.
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak.
I find reason to believe, in my daughter’s eyes.

An’ when she wraps her hand around my finger,
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer.
I realise what life is all about.
It’s hangin’ on when your heart has had enough;
It’s givin’ more when you feel like givin’ up.
I’ve seen the light: it’s in my daughter’s eyes.

In my daughter’s eyes, I can see the future.
A reflection of who I am,
An’ what will be.
An’ though she’ll grow an’, some day, leave:
Maybe raise a family,
When I’m gone, I hope you’ll see,
How happy she made me,
For I’ll be there, in my daughter’s eyes.

I don’t want to be my daughter’s hero, that position belongs to Jesus Christ, but one day when I meet her again in God’s presence I hope to hear God say “Well done good and faithful servant” and I would like to hear Tonia say, “Mom you loved me with how you lived the rest of your life. You loved everyone since I couldn’t. You looked into people’s eyes and saw the spark of God there. Mom I am so proud of you!”

Healing with God’s grace, mercy and His strength: I choose life. I choose to honor God and I give the rest of my life to serve His kingdom.

Today I miss Tonia and tomorrow I will miss Tonia; but in time the joy of my memories will be greater than the sorrow over losing her. Healing begins a moment at a time. A dear friend said you reach for the next rung of the ladder. Sometime you make the next rung and even the one after that but sometimes you fall back a rung. Our life’s journey is a batting average. My ladder is to allow Jesus Christ to mold me and use me in any way He wants as I strive to look more and more like Him.

With many hugs and prayers!


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