Posted by: kathyhugs | June 30, 2008

The Last Several Months

I have been so sick over the last several months. My body has turned on me and become an enemy. I was so anemic that I was fighting being tired and even fighting becoming depressed. I caught a glimpse of what someone in a major depression goes through. I had to force myself to wake up, to go to work, to eat. At the same time I was able to function at work. I enjoyed the kids and I was able to be silly with them: until I was driving home. I would fall apart in tears. I was so tired that I had to fight to drive home. I would try to think about eating something and not being able to think at all. Everyday would be a repeat. I wasn’t sleeping well even though I was exhausted. My body was fighting me. I was taking iron, eating red meat and trying to build my iron reserves back up but It wasn’t working. After several doctor appointments and tests a decision was made. Last Friday I had a vaginal hysterectomy. It wasn’t my first choice when this all started but now I know that it was the only thing that was going to have a chance at solving everything. I woke up on Saturday morning after the surgery feeling tired, sore and a little unsure of what was going to happen next. But I also felt as if something alien had fled my body. The drain on my reserves and on my mood was gone. The healing has begun. Emotionally I have been shutting down since I didn’t have the strength to cope. Physically my body had reached its limits. Friends were worried about me and Rick didn’t know what to do for me except to listen and reassure me that I would get better. Today I am 4 days after my surgery and I can feel myself returning to normal. I am sleeping, in fact I dose off in the middle of a sentence right now! I no longer feel drained and I no longer feel depressed. I know I have to take it easy for awhile but there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. The timing was perfect because I have time to heal before the trial starts in September. I can at least be physically ready to deal with the stress of the trial. Emotionally I will have the strength to continue to move forward.

Tomorrow will be one year since Tonia died. I ordered a dozen purple carnations today to carry to the cemetery tomorrow. Tomorrow I will need to have my strength, my husband and especially my God to get through the day!

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