Posted by: kathyhugs | July 4, 2008


It has been a very emotional roller coaster of a week. Recovering from surgery and having the first anniversary of Tonia being in Heaven has really given me a lot to think about. We have had so many questions about how we can be as calm as we are? Questions about our desire for the outcome of the trial? Questions about how we can believe what we do?

It is when I am at my most vulnerable and weakest that those questions begin to bubble through my head. I get tired and I wonder if I can keep going on another day. Doubts start to cloud my judgment.

We are not always calm, there are many mornings I wake up and cry in the shower but as I continue on through the morning listening to my praise music, God gives me a peace that can only come from Him: an assurance that Tonia is out of the evil of her life and she is happy in Heaven. My peace comes from having a relationship with God where I can cry out in frustration and rage and deep sorrow and knowing He is saying, “I understand and I am here for you. Lean on me.” So I take a deep breath and notice the sun coming up and the birds singing.

Our desire for the trial: for it to be over with! For truth to come out, for God’s judgment to be what is important. To be there and be strong when our family has to hear the details that we already know. To be strong when we hear things that are not true or so horrific that I want to run out of the courtroom but knowing that I have to stay so our daughter is remembered as a beautiful woman and not a statistic. For JC to be taken off the street so another family doesn’t have to go through what we have been through. But the most important thing is to remember that this is all temporary and that God will give us the strength when we need it.

How can we believe what we do? HMMMM? How can we not believe that there was a Creator who conceived this beautiful world and that it didn’t just happen? How can I not admit that I am a sinner and there is nothing I can “DO” to make it up. That the scales against me are weighed heavily against me? That only through the sacrifice of Christ could my sins be wiped away and the scales tipped in my favor. How can I not believe when I have felt the strength and peace that can only come from God? I believe when I get a hug from someone who has been hurt but has been healed of their anger and sadness. I believe when a day that starts out lousy turns out to be blessed by a word or gesture from a stranger.

So when I am tired, have doubts, get angry; I stop and remember I don’t have to be strong, God is holding me up. I can get angry God can help me wipe my anger away.

Tonight I am home with my wonderful husband and I am blessed. I hope you know the peace and love of God.


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