Posted by: kathyhugs | April 9, 2010

Who am I becoming with God’s direction

Who am I? That is such a mind-boggling concept right now. My life has changed so much over the last, almost 13 years. 13 years ago in July was when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. Three years ago in July is when God called Tonia home. I do not recognize myself at times. The woman who married Rick in 1986 has evolved. I have so much still to learn. I have so much more changing to do. With God’s help, in God’s time. I don’t know what the future will hold and that would have driven me crazy once upon a time. But I have learned that God is much better at this thing called life here on Earth and that I need to trust and go with the flow. Yes I still get frustrated at times. I want to be in control and know what tomorrow will hold but I don’t even know if I will have a tomorrow. So I could be doing so many things but I needed and wanted to write.

That is one of the ways God has changed me. When Tonia died I absolutely had to write; to be able to convey my grief, my emotions, the circumstances around me. My fingers fly over the keyboard and sentences appear! I love to be able to share my emotions, my thoughts and my life. I don’t know if anyone even reads this but recently I gave my journal to Rick and a dear friend to read. I was ready to share. Rick is still reading it. My friend has finished it and gave me a hug. That is enough.

So who am I becoming?

Who am I?

I am deeply and passionately in Love with Jesus Christ, my Savior, my Friend, my Counselor, my Creator. The Alpha and the Omega in my life.

I am in love with the amazing man who proposed in a beautiful private dining room is a restaurant in Valparaiso, Indiana in 1985. I love being his wife, his partner, his friend.

I am the mother of two wonderful children: my lovely daughter, Tonia, who is Saving A Place For Me, in Heaven and my wonderful son, Sean, who is becoming a God honoring man. I am so proud of both of them. I cherish every minute I have had as their mother. No vocation has given me more thrills and more gray hairs! They are a gift from God.

I love to sing, music speaks to my soul. I love to read anything and everything. I absolutely love people. My heart comes alive when I can be around other people. I love to talk to people. I love to hug everyone. I can talk to almost anyone in almost any situation.

I love to share what God has done in my life.

I love to write.

I love being a nurse at Children’s Hospital when I can be goofy and calm a scared child down or comfort a parent who is struggling.

I love teenagers. They are the most wonderful people. They are so unique. They are strong. They are helpless. They are full of energy and angst.

I dislike celery and yogurt! I dislike rude people. I get frustrated when people in my life don’t understand me. I get angry when I am challenged with something I don’t want to deal with. I have so much more to learn and it is overwhelming at times. I hate the fact that our daughter is gone… for now.

I am a strong, passionate, very vocal woman. This is who God has created. For now. That is not who I was 13 years ago. That is who I have become and who I am still becoming.

Tomorrow….. scary, exciting, uncertain…. out of my hands. So today… I hold my hands open and empty and say I am yours God. I will walk the path you have for me. You created me for a purpose. I yield to your plan. Empty me, Fill me with You. Thank you!



  1. I attended college with JC. I was friends with many of his fraternity brothers. When this event happened, I was shocked and saddened, but not surprised. A mutual college friend pointed me to your page as a way of keeping up with the trial as I now live in another part of the state. However I have found so much more in this blog, and I check it once or twice a week to see if you have posted a new entry. I look forward to hearing about your path. I have cried when I read about the harder days, and have found direction in my own search for my path by watching what you and your husband do. There were several entries I felt compelled to leave a comment for, but could not come up with words that seemed sufficient. When you typed that you “didn’t even know if anyone reads this,” I knew it was time for me to let you know. Yes, I do! And I look forward to updates, and your experience, strength and hope. Creating the support group, speaking at church, are all great ways to get your message out there. This is another way, that I have followed, and learned, and grown from. If you ever question whether the work you do is fruitful, know that you may never know on Earth the depth of the seeds you have planted, but they will grow and flourish long after your voices are silenced. Please don’t stop writing, no matter what form it comes in. And thank you for sharing it with me.

    • Thank you so much for letting me know your thoughts and responding. I write because it has become a way to cope and a way to communicate my faith. Your comment is an encouragement to me. God bless you. Have a beautiful day!

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