Posted by: kathyhugs | May 29, 2010

A God Seeking Heart?

It was one of THOSE weeks. You know the kind, everything is topsy-turvy. The schedule you had is tossed to the wind. The plans You made never happen. That was the kind of week I had. At times I wake up and I don’t recognize my life. It is so completely different from what I expected. Goals, dreams and plans that Rick and I made when we first got married came from a different life. We moved to a different planet overnight and someone forgot to tell us to pack our suitcase! That is what life feels like right now. I am wondering if it will ever feel “normal” again. If one day I will wake up and say, “Wow! This feels familiar or I recognize this road it leads to …..!” Maybe it will never happen. Lives change. Goals change. God changes us. I do know where I am headed. I am headed for a home with God; for eternity! This life is just a small blip on the eternal road I am on. But this life still feels foreign. What am I doing here? Is there a purpose here on Earth for me? God tells me there is, “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper and not to harm you….” God has plans for me. Has this week been a part of His plan? The crazy work schedule. Missing Rick as he travels. Watching Sean struggle to find a job. Hearing about a friend who is hospitalized just when her recuperation looked so good. Watching my coworkers burning the candle to get a huge task accomplished. Are these all part of God’s plan? If they are then why do they feel so weird? Where is God in all of this? Where is my heart focused?

I forgot to thank God for the ability to adapt and work the crazy hours. I forgot to thank God for Sean’s perseverance looking for a job. I forgot to thank God for getting my friend to the hospital for something minor so they could discover the infections that are in her body and treat them before they got even worse. I forgot! God still showed up. Rick came home. Sean found a job. The task at work was finished. My friend is getting treated. I survived the week! The world kept on turning; God is in control.

My world has changed. It is different. My focus and attitude still are catching up. When I first asked God to come into my life as my Savior and friend in 1997, I felt disoriented for a while. My heart had changed but my focus needed time to catch up. I had to learn to crawl then walk again with God in my life. I was such a baby in my faith. We didn’t even know how to find a church, so every week we went to a new one until our heart told us to stay awhile and learn. We found a church and we were fed. We bought a Bible and started to read. We became very uncomfortable with that church and the teachings so we left. We were learning to crawl. The Holy Spirit and God’s Word was teaching us. We ran into some baby gates that stopped us from falling down the stairs and getting hurt. But they felt like barriers that frustrated me. I wanted to knock the gates down. I wanted to be stubborn and choose where I was going. But as my focus started to shift I was able to see over the gate and realize that I would have fallen and been hurt. At times I did fall. My human pride and sinfulness caused me to knock that baby gate aside and I made some dumb choices. God allowed me to fall down the steps but He was waiting to pick me up, comfort me and guide me back up on the right path.

That is where I am today. I know that God is in control. I know that He has a plan for this life, for me. I read His Word and I am learning to listen. My focus and attitude still need to catch up to my heart. God reveals the path I am on, one step at a time. For this season I can’t see what lies ahead. It feels wrong to try to plan for next year or five years from now when I can’t see next month! I catch a glimpse every now and then but it is a fleeting look.

One of my stumbling blocks has been the plans I had for being a grandmother already. I assumed and expected that Tonia would have a child or even children by now.  Tonia would be 28 now, 29 in August. My expectation was that I would be able to brag about my grandkids, even though I don’t feel old enough to have grown children let alone grandkids! I watch as friends become grandmothers. That world looks familiar. That world fits into my plans. But that is not my world. God knows this. He shares in my pain and confusion because He knows my heart. I read somewhere this week that God had other plans for this season, that I was to “enjoy the love of the children of others”. He reminded me that just as I was adopted into His family, my definition of family needed to change and to grow. My focus had to become His. So I borrow teenagers to go to the movies. I borrow babies to rock to sleep. I anticipate Sean’s possible children. I love the kids who I take care of at the hospital. My focus shifts and for that moment it feels familiar, it feels good. But it only lasts for those moments. Then my heart hurts for the world I once thought I had. For the plans that I made. But that glimpse is enough to confirm that God is at work. He knows the season I am in right now. He wants me to grow. He wants to refine me. I am crawling quite well but now I need to learn to walk. God’s hand is helping me to stand up. He is supporting me and catching me when I fall. He helps me to get back up. I can look over the baby gate of this season and the stairs I see now lead up, up, up and around a corner. When I am ready God will remove the gate and I can take the first of many steps up into the next adventure He has in store! Until then I need to choose to focus on God with all of my heart, my mind and my strength.

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